I dated this guy in high school, high school sweetheart if you will,  whom I fell for as fast as the fastest falling can occur. I loved him because he was crazy and we were crazy for each other. Sometimes, I can only remember parts of our relationship, that’s how screwed up we were.  He was tanned and played guitar. He wore a leather jacket with aviators and drove a convertible. He would shout things out the window while he drove and was never able to sit still. I remember a specific friend telling me after we broke up, ‘you were the cool one in the relationship’. I never understood this until now.

Months after our break-up, I was still devastated because I loved him more than myself for a long while and was unable to understand that over means over. While I was upset, he didn’t even want contact with me. I tried to reach him a couple of time and always, every single time, he would just destroy me. The power this guy had over me was far beyond my words. He could lift my spirits as fast as he could drop them.

Time passed and I understood that nothing is permanent and I had no regrets. In fact, I was completely fine with everything and wished him the best. I developed feelings for other men and he was out of the picture.

In the past few months, he’s contacted me and demanded me to see him. The frequency at which he has done this does not please me or give me peace of mind whatsoever.  In fact, I am completely creeped out. He has written me poems, stated that ‘his soul lies within me’ and that I must see him before he ‘departs this world’. Is he a poet? No. Is he spiritual? Hell no. Does he believe in the after-life? Of course not. Then what the hell is he doing?  Thankfully, he has done this through emails since he doesn’t know where I currently live or my phone number.  Call me crazy, but the dude is insane. The last time I saw him was over two years ago on the line to buy tickets for some play and even then, we didn’t even say hi.

I feel somewhat nervous and unsafe regarding him. He’s no longer the weirdo I used to love and all his quirks seem more and more serious. I used to think the fact that he slept with a knife under his bed was because he cared for his family and was worried if anything were to happen to them in the middle of the night. He lived in an 8-bathroom home within a good neighborhood; he didn’t need a fucking knife. He was just a freak. He had no friends except for this one dude that was high all the god damn time. People used to call him a ‘psycho’ and ‘crazy’. Why I was never worried about this, I couldn’t tell you now. Blame it on the hormones at seventeen. He broke up with me and never gave a reason. He never trusted anyone. He would randomly show up at my work to check up on me because he was a jealous bastard. He said if he couldn’t be with me, he would kill himself and to prove it, he cut his forearm and had to wear gauze for a week. After sex, he would get up to play guitar and that shit is not cute. That’s fucking weird. You lay your ass down and stay beside me after having sex with me. Do not get the fuck up to play your stupid guitar leaving me naked in your room.

In the back of my head, I always thought we might get back together in the future and always held a special place for him in my heart. His constant demands and obsession has led me someplace else. Everything he ever said has a different intonation now. It’s no longer sweet, it’s crazy and slightly scary.

Despite this, I am thankful for realizing something I should have realized a long time. The dude has issues and I am in no way willing to deal with them. I knew love was blind but never to a point that you could date a mentally unstable person and not realize it.

I guess I really was the cool one in that relationship.

- Mackie